Free Will and Willing Change

Let’s talk about free will—or, as Robert Sapolsky (the world-famous Stanford neuroscientist, primatologist, author, and—fun fact—a man whose kids I nannied for) likes to put it: “Free will is that charming little illusion we humans hold onto while our nervous systems quietly run the entire show.”

According to Sapolsky, we’re basically walking collections of hormones, childhood experiences, attachment patterns, and trauma histories—all firing together to create what we call “choices.”

But here’s the thing: even if our decisions are shaped by biology, environment, and everything we’ve lived through, the change cycle is very real. Brains adapt. Bodies recalibrate. Patterns shift. Neuroplasticity is basically your nervous system saying, “Okay, fine, I guess we can try something new.”

So maybe free will isn’t a superpower. Maybe it’s more like steering a kayak while the river has (strong) opinions. You don’t control the current, but with awareness, support, and alongside a bossy, slightly annoying therapist (yours truly), you can still move in your own direction—or at least not crash into the rocks.

And that’s where therapy often comes in—not with blame, but with curiosity:

• Why does this pattern keep showing up?

• Where did it originate?

• Do you want to do things differently or the same? Why?

  
  

You’re a brilliantly complex system doing the best it can with the information it has—for now. As my hero Maya Angelou famously said, “When you know better, you do better.”

So I ask you this: do you want to do better—in whatever way that means to you?

Free will is… complicated. But here’s the good news: when we bring questions and meaning into our daily behaviors and actions, we step deeper into our own sense of agency. “With practice, a mindful state becomes a mindful trait.” (Ode to my psychology guru, Dr. Dan Siegel.)

Call it paradoxical. Call it neuroscience meets existential unraveling. Or just call it a Tuesday in my office.

The moment we stop clinging so tightly to the idea that our choices have to be perfect, we make space for real choice—messy, human, empowered choice. Especially the harder, more painful ones that lead to growth.

So, as they say, dear friend, set yourself (and your “will”) free.

Freely and Willingly,

Mandy