Not Everyone’s Ex Is a Narcissist—But Some Are

Let’s start here: not every ex-partner, or mother is a narcissist. Sometimes people are avoidant, emotionally immature, or simply not capable of meeting us where we are. Labeling every painful relationship as narcissistic abuse can dilute the term and muddy the waters.

But.

Some people are narcissistic. And if you’ve been in a relationship with one, you may still be living in the aftershocks—confused, questioning your reality, defending your emotions, or having your hurt minimized while they expertly gaslight and play the victim.

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not imagining it.

The Easiest Way to Spot a Narcissist

They refuse accountability. Consistently.

No real apologies. No ownership. No ability to say, “I hurt you, and I care.”

Instead, there’s deflection and distortion. Somehow, the conversation always circles back to you being the problem—too sensitive, too emotional, too much.

The Hook: Love Bombing & Mirroring

In the beginning, it often felt intoxicating.

They loved bombed you. They mirrored your values, your humor, your emotional depth. You felt seen, chosen, deeply connected.

That wasn’t intimacy—it was imitation.

You weren’t being known; you were being reflected back to yourself. And once the bond was secure, the devaluation began.

My Experience: A Visceral Knowing

I’ve encountered narcissistic individuals, and the experience is visceral. It lives in the body.

I’ve felt talked at, not with. I’ve left interactions feeling foggy and unsettled. I’ve felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

There’s a distinct lack of warmth, empathy, and true reciprocity. The connection feels hollow—transactional. Not human in the way real connection feels human.

Narcissistic individuals often objectify others, seeing people as a means to an end rather than as separate, whole beings.

Vulnerability Becomes a Target

This is often the most painful part.

When you show vulnerability—real, tender, human vulnerability—it doesn’t bring closeness. It activates them.

Your pain becomes chum in the water.

They discredit you. They go after your character. They weaponize your sensitivity.

You may hear:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re weak.”

• “You’re too soft.”

Where healthy partners see empathy as a strength, narcissistic individuals see it as leverage.

Many are drawn to people who possess the very qualities they lack—empathy, insight, emotional depth—and they feed off those qualities for supply.

When You Can’t Fully Walk Away

Here’s the reality: sometimes you can’t fully disengage.

You may be:

• co-parenting

• working alongside them

• related to them

In those cases, the goal isn’t confrontation—it’s containment.

Disengage as much as possible. Limit interactions to what is necessary. Keep communication neutral, factual, and brief.

This is where grey rock becomes essential—no emotional fuel, no personal disclosures, no attempts to be understood.

And this is the part I remind my clients of again and again:

Do not go to an empty well for water.

Even when you crave intimacy. Even when you long for connection, repair, or validation from that narcissistic person.

They cannot give you what they do not have.

Go Where the Water Is

Turn instead toward the wellspring of safety:

• friends who validate your reality

• professionals who understand these dynamics

• relationships where empathy is mutual and repair is possible

Seek out people who can truly connect with you—who won’t diminish your feelings, distort your reality, or corrode the very qualities that make you you.

Your sensitivity is not a flaw. Your depth is not a weakness. Your capacity for feeling is part of your humanity—and your strength.

The work is not to harden yourself. It’s to protect what’s precious and place it where it can be held with care.

So, dear friend—if you crossed paths with a narcissist and your heart paid the price—please hear this clearly: you will heal.

Their inability to love you well is not a verdict on your value—it is a limit of their own emotional world. Given the choice between that narrow, barren landscape and the vibrant, complex, flourishing world of full feeling, I choose the latter

Soundly Sensitive, 

Mandy