My Least Favorite F-Word

I have a complicated relationship with the word “forgiveness.” Honestly, it’s probably my least favorite F-word. For me, forgiveness isn’t automatically a cornerstone of healing — not unless it serves the purpose of forgiving yourself.

Too often, forgiveness is presented in ways that feel forced, steeped in religious or moral tones. You know the message: if you don’t forgive someone for a wrongdoing — even if they never apologize — somehow you’re the one carrying the burden. It’s as if you’re stuck with penance for someone else’s behavior. That doesn’t feel empowering; it feels heavy.

Here’s what I do believe: holding onto anger, rumination, and resentment toward someone who has hurt you can be harmful. It impacts your body. It raises cortisol, increases inflammation, and keeps your nervous system on high alert. I often remind my clients of this quote: “Holding anger toward your enemy is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting them to die.”

Forgiveness — or choosing not to forgive — is personal. It’s a decision only you can make, and it doesn’t need to follow anyone else’s rules. What matters most is your healing. Heal the wounds that were inflicted on you, with or without forgiving the person who caused them.

Healing isn’t about absolving the other person. It’s about reclaiming your peace, your body, and your life. That’s the real work — the work that frees you.

Not Needing to Forgive or Forget,

Mandy