My Least Favorite F-Word

I have a complicated relationship with the word "forgiveness."

Honestly, it's probably my least favorite F-word.

Forgiveness isn't automatically a cornerstone of healing. What matters is whether it

genuinely supports your recovery—not whether someone else thinks you should do it.

Too often, forgiveness is presented in ways that feel forced, steeped in religious or moral expectations. You know the message: If you don't forgive someone for a wrongdoing—even if they never apologize—somehow you're the one carrying the burden.

It's as if you're stuck doing penance for someone else's behavior.

That doesn't feel empowering. It feels heavy.

Here's what I do believe: anger has its place. It can be protective, even necessary. It tells us when we've been hurt, when a boundary has been crossed, or when something deeply unfair has happened.

But when anger turns into chronic rumination and resentment, it can keep us emotionally tethered to the very person we're trying to heal from. That kind of ongoing emotional stress can take a toll on our mental and physical well-being.

I often remind my clients of the old saying:

Holding anger toward your enemy is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting them to die.

But here's the important part: You don't have to forgive someone in order to stop drinking the poison.

Forgiveness—or choosing not to forgive—is deeply personal. And forgiveness doesn't have to mean reconciliation. It doesn't mean excusing what happened, minimizing the harm, forgetting, trusting someone again, or giving them access to you.

You can release resentment without rewriting what happened.

You can find peace without receiving an apology.

And you can move forward without forgiving someone who hurt you.

Heal the wounds that were inflicted on you, with or without forgiving the person who caused them.

Healing isn't about absolving the other person.

It's about reclaiming your peace, your body, and your life.

That's the real work.

The work that frees you.

Not Needing to Forgive or Forget,

Mandy