My Least Favorite F-Word

I have a complicated relationship with the word “forgiveness.”

Honestly, it’s probably my least favorite F-word.

Forgiveness isn’t automatically a cornerstone of healing. What matters is whether it genuinely supports your recovery—not whether someone else thinks you should do it.

Too often, forgiveness is presented in ways that feel forced, steeped in religious or moral expectations. You know the message: If you don’t forgive someone for a wrongdoing—even if they never apologize—somehow you’re the one carrying the burden.

It’s as if you’re stuck doing penance for someone else’s behavior.

That doesn’t feel empowering. It feels heavy.

Here’s what I do believe: holding onto anger, rumination, and resentment toward someone who has hurt you can keep you emotionally tethered to the very person you’re trying to heal from. Chronic stress and rumination can also take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being.

I often remind my clients of the old saying:

Holding anger toward your enemy is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting them to die.

But here’s the important part: you don’t have to forgive someone in order to stop drinking the poison.

Forgiveness—or choosing not to forgive—is personal. It’s a decision only you can make, and it doesn’t need to follow anyone else’s rules.

And forgiveness doesn’t have to mean reconciliation. It doesn’t mean excusing what happened, minimizing the harm, forgetting, trusting someone again, or giving them access to you.

What matters most is your healing.

Heal the wounds that were inflicted on you, with or without forgiving the person who caused them.

Healing isn’t about absolving the other person.

It’s about reclaiming your peace, your body, and your life.

That’s the real work.

The work that frees you.

Not Needing to Forgive or Forget,

Mandy